How do I even start with this blog? Well, how about God is Good. All the time, no matter what.
So I wasn't even going to write a blog on this because of how hard and vulnerable it is, but sometimes Jesus likes to push into hard things, so here it is.
You know how I talked about surrendering in my last post? Honestly I think God loves to be Ironic with me because three days later Jesus asked me to surrender something huge in my life. It was tied to my identity, my passion, and (what I thought was) my livelihood.
So I did.
Well, eventually I did that is. This honestly was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
"This God, why this? You can have everything else but this"? "But I need this, I really like this" Is what I kept trying to rationalize. I kept making excuse after, excuse after, excuse. Yet, I knew deep down that I needed to surrender.
I wish I could say that when I did it was pretty and clean. That I was so happy to be obedient, but it wasn't like that at all I was a mess.
The reason why it was so so hard is because it brought all the deep ugliness in my heart to the surface. Pride, Identity, Fear, etc. They all came rising to the surface when I finally gave in. I had to be willing to fully surrender the things in my heart, trusting that God is faithful to restore and heal.
God had to reveal these parts of my heart in me in a big way, for me to pay attention to the fact that they were there.
Surrendering is freaking hard, but it's so good and so sweet. It sure doesn't feel good at first, but it is.
Throughout the entire struggle of being willing to be obey I had this phrase going through my head that I had spoken to someone the day before "If God allows your husband to die, will you still be able to say He is good?" God prompted in my heart "Hey you remember yesterday? If I ask you to give this up, will you still be able to call me good?"
Thankfully the answer to that is YES, because If I can't say yes to that, I'm not really trusting God right? I haven't actually surrendered. If I don't surrender, I'm choosing to be the god in my life. Choosing to control my life. I'm trusting myself more than trusting the God of the universe.
He is EVERYTHING. Yet, it's so hard to give up just SOMETHING in my life.
We sing all of these songs of surrendering and giving all we have to Him, but do we actually?
Do we actually allow God to be God of our entire life? or is there a line that we won't let him cross? Being like "here God you can have everything, except this". "I need this". "This is too hard". "I'm fine". "You don't need to take this". Except when we say those things, what we're actually doing is telling Jesus that we don't trust him enough to give him these things. That's the reality.
You either trust God with your whole heart, with everything you have or you don't. There is no grey area. If you're holding onto something and not willing to give it God than you are making that "thing" holier than God. You might not realize that you're doing that, or you might know deep down like me that you are. We're making these things idols in our lives. Whether or not we as "Good Christians" would like to admit it. That's not okay, it's straight up sin.
For me personally the hardest part was not the "giving up" up part (though that was hard). It was when I surrendered, I no longer wore a mask. I was bare. All my brokenness and sin that was in my heart came to light. That's hard no matter what way we look at it, we hate to look at our humanity because often times it shows just how un-Christ like we are. We're human. We're Broken. We sin.
YET, that is also the most beautiful part. When we can strip ourselves of pride enough to see the truth of ourselves, we can finally allow Jesus to fully take our heart. When we lay ourselves down we finally allow him to meet us where we're at. We don't have to hide anymore. When we see that He is The only source of healing to our brokenness and our sin. We can find freedom in Him. He loves us no matter, and He loves when we his children can see that and can truly accept it.
Because He is better. He is simply better. He is better everything we own, everything we love, everything we dream about; He is better.
So here is my challenge: [and it's not easy believe I just went through it and I will continue to go through because what i'm realizng more and more. Is that surrender isn't a one time process, it's daily pick up your cross kind of thing. However sometimes, it might have more weight than others]
What do you need to surrender? What have you been keeping from God? It could be a valuable possession, a person, a sin, a hurt, a dream etc. Anything that you're not allowing God to touch.
Surrender it to today, don't wait. Choose your freedom.
God loves you so so much! He cares about you deeply, you are his chosen child. Yeah, I know it sounds cheesy but he doesn't want you to carry this burden anymore. Yeah, it will be hard. Dying to sin and self are painful, but Christ is not. He's waiting for you with open arms to come to him. I encourage you to pray about this, and talk to someone you trust to keep accountable and to keep encouraging you through this process.
Now this doesn't mean you have to sell everything you own or do something super radical. Though God can call you do something like that, it just comes down where your heart is. Are you willing to let God in? Are you willing to Listen if he tells you something you don't want to hear? Are you willing to give it up for and to him?
"Oh the Joy I've found, surrendering my crowns at the feet of the King, who surrendered everything " - "Have it all" by Bethel Music